Authenticity

This Lent, I can't seem to shake what I call a ho-hum attitude. There’s a sense that I’m merely treading water – a sense that the spark has gone out of my prayer. Where's the magic? Where's the perfection I feel when I feel utterly enveloped by God? I like that feeling of perfection. I crave mountaintop prayer -- but it's so elusive. I remember my old CPE supervisor telling me “Sometimes adequate is good enough.” Is “adequate” prayer “good enough?” I'm uncomfortable with this idea, but I'm being drawn into it -- because this "adequate" prayer feels somehow authentic. I don;t feel as though I am striving. I am resting – lying fallow.

There’s a comfort and a familiarity that I am resting in, like old friends catching up. It feels like Jesus and I are back on a first name basis and there's an easiness to us – together – and that feels right. I walked into this meditation whining that my life feels ho-hum and my prayer life no longer feels injected with steroids. Maybe steroidal enthusiasm is not authentic.

Perhaps authenticity is God's gift to me this Lent.